I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
