the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
