he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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