Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
