I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
