Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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