Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
