thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
