I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
