I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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