I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
