kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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