Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
