He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
