he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
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