is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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