to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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