She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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