is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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