Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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