she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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