I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
