dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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