im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
