On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
