So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
