Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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