just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
