i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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