I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
