Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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