You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
