In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
