At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
