Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
