You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
