Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
this boner is exhausting
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
