if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
