Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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