and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
