Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
