she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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