I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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