what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize