I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
