the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
