OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize