Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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