Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
