i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
