the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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