A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
