1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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