I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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