I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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