yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
