okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize