i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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