I'm so fucking centered right now
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize