You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
