can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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