You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
