I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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