she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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